My Hell Continues

It's sure been a while since I posted anything. I've been venting to myself in the car - at various overwhelming volumes. and it's been VERY unsatisfactory.
Yes, the unemployed husband went into real estate. He got several leads and had several houses listed. He sold one and helped those folks buy another one. All within 6 months. Very unusual for folks just getting into real estate, so we are told.
As he was wrapping up one of the sales, he freaked out, realizing that it wasn't the old comfortable shoe of having a regular job. He wouldn't talk it out. He ran like a little child and quit. He turned over his listings. He gave up any commission he would have had and we had no idea if he would GET the commission he had earned as he left before the closing.
I've been spending the drive home from work screaming at the top of my lungs. 
I've been awake between 1 and 4 many mornings. 
I've been crying on the way to work. 
I've been sad and depressed.
It appears that this kind of situation doesn't just affect the one laid off. 
The fear and panic of watching what you've worked for peter away - it's overwhelming.
Then my son got engaged to a beautiful, brilliant young woman. When they were back in town, we all got together and shopped some venues. The ladies went to a Wedding event to visit assorted vendors. We saw a few more venues after that and the beautiful couple made their selection. It is a gorgeous location, full of history in our town. Location of many weddings and special events. As soon as I saw it, I was verklempt. For me, it was perfect. The more they discussed it, the more the bride and groom saw that, too. The bride's family was also enamored of this location. It shared their love of our city and its history, and fit perfectly with the theme of the wedding.
What does all this have to do with the "situation"? One of the venues was going to be over $30K. Now a days, both families contribute. All I could think was "there goes that retirement fund" and savings.
Not only do we have to cover our expenses on only my salary, we have to help with the wedding. The harshest blow was when my son said, "don't worry, I'll cover whatever they expect you to contribute, we'll just say you gave me a check". I couldn't even tell my husband that our son had said this. I feared that it would just tip him over the edge, and I truly could not handle that on my own, and I could not bother the kids with this admission of failure. Both his failure--and mine.
After viewing some of the more expensive venues, the husband and I were out on our own to discuss the information we've just been given on the expenses (and the bride's family has not yet indicated how much help they expect, and perhaps will not ask for any). All this time, I have not responded with my fears, my anger, my animosity, my hatred of him and this situation. Until today. There was so much welling up inside me. 
Then he started apologizing. He apologized for his failures of "breadwinner" and his lack of confidence. He would spend the rest of his life trying to make up for this. He finally asked me how I felt. The genie was out of the bottle. I told him how a bitter hatred had welled up inside me and how I wanted so desperately to be away from him. Fending for only me would be preferable to staying and trying to deal with poor poor husband's feelings and desperation. 
Frankly, I'm so fucking tired of how his parents damaged him and how fucking stupid I was to build my life with someone who was so damaged. How could I do this to me and my children.
I reached out to my sister-in-law to share my desperation only to discover that her husband was also one of the damaged children of this family. He, too, didn't feel that he was worthy of any better job. When HE was downsized, he was unemployed for over a year. Same here. My husband had a year of severance, but didn't start looking for a new "job" (since he ran from his real estate career like it was Satan), until about a month before the severance ran out. He seemed surprised that there was NOTHING out there for a 56 year old man who was downsized and who professed "no skills whatsoever". Seriously? Who would say something like that. He was a project manager, but because he was a few hours short of his certification when the program was terminated by his company, he isn't certified, so he's just tossing all that in the trash. I'd be explaining that like no body's business. 
During his time at the "company", he repeated said, "I make VERY good money for what I do". NO, there were people doing his job who made 25 to 35% more. He refused to "play the game" so he was not part of those people - those people who are still at the "company". He's always been rather anti-social. This time it bit him in the ass.
Bit US in the ass.
I tried to get him to get some counseling back when he wanted to run away from the real estate. No, he didn't need that.
Now, I'm asking again. 
When our benefits were running out, I asked him, one day without much warning, to go to the optometrist and spend the remainder of the flex spending amount that was going to evaporate within the next four days. He again freaked out. Screaming at me that he was so busy trying to find a job that he could not wrap his head around such a monumental task. I took a very deep breath and responded in a very low voice (mainly because I was at work and didn't want everyone to know that he was lashing out at me - why I cannot say) said, "You do not have to yell at me. You simply can say I'm too busy, I don't want to do that. I will handle it. But you may NOT yell at me anymore. I'm not the bad guy here. I've been trying to hold it together and this doesn't help me want to help you."
He got very quiet and I honestly figured that it was going to be another violent verbal outburst. It was not. He apologized and was contrite.  It was short lived.
When I got home, he'd tried to fix the ice maker in the fridge, but didn't turn it off first, and the freezer continued to be a location for the pouring of water, without getting the ice dumped, thus creating a wall of water down the inside of the freezer. 
Another huge expense we were going to have to cover. The tray was broken. The module was worthless. 
He was always busy applying and searching for ENTRY LEVEL jobs. So far beneath his abilities. If he just wanted a job to keep him occupied and have some benefits through our desperate plunge toward a non-existent retirement, I can handle that. But he's talking a secondary career! How dense can he be? Who wants a 56 year old man who wants to start his "new career" as a bank teller. My nephew, a saint of a man, is helping him get a toe in the door, but seems very disappointed and I'm sure that he cannot understand why this able, smart man is willing to sell his ability for a pittance. I'm sure there is some loss of respect. 
My son, while he was in town, tried to talk to his father and explain WHY this plan was bordering on stupid. OK, not so much bordering.
How must my son feel when his father is so pathetic? How can he face his fiancee's family with them knowing how his father is struggling? They continually picked up the tab everywhere we stopped for postmortems on the venue visits.  It seemed to me to be an insistence that were trying to "help out". It may also just be that the father-in-law is a tab-grabber. I don't know, but of course, I internalized that gesture. 
Whew. That's a lot of verbal vomit. And it sure feels that way. But thank you for letting me vent.


 

OK, it's been tough to write because there has been so much going on. First, I was spotted at a local merchant's meeting being "less perky" than I usually am. Christmas was coming, the "recently departed" was not in the best of moods and pretty much hung out at home ALL THE TIME!!
I tried to get him active and it just didn't work. I mean NOTHING was working.
So when I was spotted being un-perky, I took the opportunity to ask that person about his career and if he might have a few minutes to meet with "The Departed" and tell him about his jump to this career and what he liked about it. He agreed. Surprisingly, so did "The Departed" (TD).
They met, had lunch, and before I knew it, TD was signed up for real estate courses, and has dived in with both feet.
He's on with the largest Real Estate business here in town (and several towns around) and he's getting his feet on the ground with it. I guess Lucy Van Pelt was right..."Real Estate".

All because I was not perky. Had I known that is all it would take to get the ball rolling, I could have turned "Bitch" on at full speed much earlier. ;)

It's Been A Month...

There is no way to see what will happen, and at the beginning of this stage in our lives, I had no idea that we would get to this point, or at least get to this point so quickly.
We were discussing what was to come next, and when I suggested that we work on his business plan, he said, "I'm never going to start a business, so let's stop that now". Apparently, he has NO confidence in his ability, which he DID have before.
So how can I help? Who knows. I don't know that I can swallow this. Honestly, it felt like he'd been lying to me all these years with no desire do be independent. 
 So, we start over. 

The First Week is Gone

There is still quite a lot of anger stored up inside this normally gentle man. He's lashing out unexpectedly, he gets quite angry about things that didn't bother him before. 

He says he's come to terms with the lay-off, but he'll burrow down into some anger that seems to be bubbling just below the surface. 

God bless him, he's trying to figure out what he wants to do now that he has the chance to change his life. In a perfect world, we would have enough money from all the stock that he purchased back when it was $42 a share, up to $102 a share. Unfortunately, all that he bought is now selling at $5.74 a share. You can't lean back on that. And you can only take $3K a year in loss. Guess we have to start selling that now or we'll never be able to get any benefit from all that loss.

MEANWHILE, back at the ranch, things are slow. Some days he apparently isn't even getting dressed. Other days he's up and out early. So, I'm not going to fret. He IS sleeping much better than he did over the last four months. He even mentions it. Then he'll digress into "but HE still has a job" kinds of comments. That was one uncomfortable dinner Saturday night. Two guys who were laid off and me. I truly didn't know what to say...or what NOT to say. 

And so it goes...

 

Day One - The Search and Finding Center

We are NOW on the official first day of the unemployment/employment search/career makeover. I headed off to work, but he was up when I left. After receiving his regular WORK emails (his last day was Friday) all weekend, they closed his profile, so he no longer got those emails on his phone. He felt obligated (after 22 years, I think it was just habit) to respond to them in such a way that it didn't appear that he was still there, but didn't just flat out say, "I'm not there now!"
He has to determine where to file for unemployment. I think he can file where he worked. (we live in a community that spans a state line). Several folks I know who live in one state but work in another file in the other state (not the one where they live). He doesn't believe me. What can I say. I know nothing. I've accepted that.
I'd be happy if he cleaned or unloaded the dishwasher today. Most likely, he'll do some laundry and vacuum.
I can't begin to understand what he's experiencing. Yesterday there were some loud exchanges and then the rest of the day was silence. I don't know if I can keep myself mellow while he goes on this journey of self-discovery. I think this may be my outlet. 
Brace yourself, Eppie, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Here Endeth The Employment

The big day has come and gone. Every day, he brought home files/books/his history at the company (these were NOT company files or property -- he even left the folders). 
He said it was much better to do it little by little, rather than one huge move out. (It was better for me, too...I didn't have to act as pack mule.) The shock was less.
On Tuesday night, he composed an email to people who were important to him over the last 22 years at the company. He sent it out Wednesday night. By Thursday morning, he had multiple emails and cards. He had visits from folks who hadn't seen him since they started. 

One guy he REALLY wanted to say goodbye to was out on vacation. About mid-day, he stopped by the men's room and as he left, he was pushing the door open, and there stood the guy who was on vacation, pulling the door open. He was stopping by to see him. (That sounds kind of weird, but it was weird in another way.)
They talked, he had lunch with several friends, some of whom were leaving, too.
The guy who was left in charge of the area hubby had been working in called him over and started picking his brain. He was asked questions that his former boss had never asked- she had been disconnected from the team for the entire time they were in place. Just a strange set up from the beginning. Kind of a "step closer to the door" if you ask me.
By Friday, as he was headed to HR to begin the process, one of his good friends, nearly a "brother from another mother", was also on his way. They kind of came into the company about the same time and here they were, leaving. 
They kind of freaked out the HR ladies. I don't think they got to see a whole lot of people cracking jokes and making light of the situation like these two did. 
He turned in the computer and left the campus one last time. It's a different company now than it was 22 years ago. But he's a different man than he was 22 years ago. Our lives are different. No kids at home, bills are minimal, and we can do what we want to. 
Next: set up the company, sign up for unemployment, and determine where to go next.

 

What I Want to be When I Grow Up

Last night, the hubs dropped a bomb. After working for 22 years and increasing in responsibilities, naturally, he feels he has to start from scratch. "no skills". "What do you think about me becoming a para-legal?" I seriously thought he was kidding -- along the lines of "Greeter at Wal-Mart" or "Taxi Driver". Nope. Serious as a heart-attack. 

What am I supposed to do? He's now looked - fleetingly - at job opportunities. This change of events happened for a reason, and he's freaking out now. Perhaps he can spend $65,000 and get a $35,000 per year job is what he's thinking. You know, if it is really something he wants to do, then I'm fine, but if he's already grasping at straws, well, we're going to have a little problem. 

We were going to have a run at a business, but now he's just jumping at "oh shit" level.




Where do I go from here. I am going to have to let him storm for a little bit, and if I mention that he should storm for a while, I'll just set him off. He's all about it's ALL about him now, and making me feel guilty if I don't embrace all of his flight paths.

I pretty much just wanted to throw up last night, thinking if I can't change this path, I can at least drop that last meal. 

I don't think he's seeing the big picture. If he takes a job that pays so little, we cannot afford insurance, there will be no money for life insurance, and we'll be another one of those poor couples who can barely eek out a living until they die with no insurance and the other one has to go live with one of the children in a back bedroom only to go just a little crazy. Suzy-Freaking-Sunshine, eh? 

Yeah, this is ALL about him and his well-being, until I'm the one who dies early and he goes nuts, or vice-versa.